guyishness

Once again, I am a columninst for She Says, a women's meg-blog. Wednesday is Q and A!

He Says: ask a guy by Gary


Add your opinons and new questions in the comments section, and next week Gary will answer some of those questions.
DISCLAIMER: Gary is an unlicensed and untrained advice columnist and a smart azz to boot. You have been warned :)

Before we get too far into Q and A, I have to explain why my wife asked the question below. I happened to look out the window the other day and she was gardening 2 stories below me. (good luck with THAT monster patch of weeds...) and there was a pleasant cracked rear view for me to behold, and I am like, typically guyish, thinking to myself: "I bet she jumps and squeals if I dropped a wad of wet tissue out the window and onto that unsuspecting little strip of tender flesh". And so basically I lobbed I wad of wet tissue at her unsuspecting cracked rear view 2 stories below, and well, I missed. I hit her in the back, 2 inches above the strip of flesh, but soaked her shirt pretty well. There was a very satisfying SQUEAL, JUMP AND SHOUT and a few curses as well. I was a little surprised though that she was angry. She wanted to know WHY? ("its like Everest, dear, because it is there" I begin to explain...) But there is more, really...

The wife asks me "why are guys so GUYish?" Like when she catches me slurping some juice, um, straight from the bottle...and she goes on to mutter "well, we DO kiss but the dentist says never share toothbrushes..." and I explain....Actually, I say nothing. There are times when you are a guy and it is best to keep your mouth shut. There is NO explanation, other than you didn't think she was looking. And drinking juice after I have slurped it has not, um, killed her yet, so you wonder what the harm is and pledge to yourself yo drink from the bottle in more stealthy ways.
Guys are GUYS. There is no reason for it. We are silly and immature little jerks, its true, especially ME.

Which brings us to this. Last week's big question was how to successfully online date, a sincere question from a woman asking absolutely the WRONG person, me, but that won't stop me from trying.
I say to single women: GO LESBIAN. Men are worthless. Take it from this worthless man. Forget about us. Need a baby? Get a puppy or kitten. A whole lot less trouble.

OK, not gonna go lesbian? Alright.

My nearest experience with online dating goes back to 1991, before there WAS online dating, or my wife. In those days, there were personals. Me and my cat answered a personal when we lived in Chicago. It sounded like a sexy young art student. I was a sexy young art student myself. I replied with a handwritten and punchy and ironic sentence, and sent it off to the PO box. I had a reply. She said she had dozens of letters, but only liked mine. And she lived on the next block! I went into ninja stealth mode and went and looked at her building, all excited about the possibilities. And sent back a bizarre 4 page letter telling all about my pathetic life and kinky habits. never heard back, surprise! With men, we need to remember, the less said the better. (see above: we are guyish, we are immature, we are trouble) The week after the letters? Got together with the wife. 18 plus years ago!

I tell my single men friends: do POTTERY. When I was in college, and now when I teach at Cornell, it is 80 women, and 2 guys. And one of those guys, me, is married! For women, where are the men??? You go down past the sports bars at 1 on Sunday: packed with men! You may not like any of those oafish, drunken football lovers, but hey, its where the men are for real.

On the other hand, I have been to like, 4-5 weddings in my whole life. Including mine. I am not one of those people who goes to weddings. Never been to a funeral. I don't really, ah, erm, eh, well, do big events. Or go to small events. I like to go to the library. The grocery store. The Chapterhouse bar. But The fifth wedding I went to was David's. David is my buddy here in Ithaca, a local politician, and he admits he and his wife met at match dot com. David is not like me. I would marry David. He is sold, honest, funny and fun. She is a lucky lady, he is a lucky man, and the drinks at their wedding were abundant and free, which may be why some people like weddings.

My best pal Kasey gets married in Iowa this fall. She tells me:
"Scott was the friend of a friend, and we met briefly onetime. Then he stalked me on Myspace. Then he contacted me. Now we are getting married!" Its so much easier for men to stalk women now that we have the internets, isn't it? There probably aren't as many perverts and psycho killers out there are Hollywood would have us believe.


My pal Maureen has a lot to say about internet dating:

"George and I were just talking about On Line dating a few weeks ago. Had a wonderful, funny, conversation on it. I told him when I was a young girl, the girls would bring out this REALLY LAME GAME called "Mystery Date"...I never would play, stupidest thing I ever saw.
Anyway the girls would spin a wheel, and pic a card, turn it over, and say..."Oh, I am in love, look who I got"! Then they would run over to their closet, change into dress wear, put make up on, with this lame picture of a guy that looked like Wally Cleaver, in a suit.

Well, you can imagine how hated I was by the girls, I would watch these stupid idiots, play out this whole thing with amazement. I told them, "You are legit crazy"!....It's a postcard...lol lol lol...:) They also had a loser guy, the wah wah...actually he looked just like the type of guy I love, jeans, t-shirt, gym shoes, you know just like every kid in school...lol lol lol...I mean "What the hell was the message to this game".....'GO FOR THE MONEY"....I am serious."

I have one hell of a true story, about this woman, it is a scream, and for real...


Our daughter Carrie, got a job with a new guy in a near by town. Anyway, his name was Roman, he was the absolute Computer Tech Head Geek, brilliant, actually, and oh so funny. He looked very similar to Drew Carey, Black Horned Rimmed glasses, and all. Anyway, it was so refreshing to finally have a college guy move into the area. He was married, with a child, so he started his own ISP Services. At that time he was the only game in town, here in "Moo Town", no one had access to dial up, I mean this is "Green Acres" for sure.

Anyway, he started this with his other brilliant college friends. Well naturally Carrie and I were attracted to this immediately. So Carrie got a job with these "Hip, highly intelligient, hysterically funny" group. It was the place to be. And besides, Carrie and I wanted to see just how this would work out...I mean it's definitely, "When World's Collide", Geeks vs HIcks...lol lol lol

On the the dating story, he had a customer who was the biggest pain in the butt you can imagine, she looked and had the same personality as Mimi of the sitcom with Drew Carey, even looked like her, only heavier, and oh was so dumb! She made Za Za Gabor look like Einstein. lol lol lol...! She always tried to dress in way too sexy clothes, for this area. Fish net stockings, red heels, platinum blonde hair, and so much makeup, sort of like Tammy Baker. loll ol lol....but sweet? NO WAY, Barracudas are more cudly! lol lol lol

Anyway, her email locked up with the dial up. She said she is sending her new online boyfriend a photo, and it keeps crapping out. She said "I forgot to resize the photo, it was too large"! So Roman says disgruntedly, okay, I will pull up the photo, and resize it, and send. So she is standing next to him, and he pull up the photo, He had a T3, so it was sweet! Anyway, in front of all the college guys in the store, and Carrie and I, on his large screened monitor, OMG, this photo pops up, and it is her, in the buff, posing in the doorway of her bathroom. Roman yells, OMG MY EYES, THEY BURN!!!! Everyone burst into laughter. Roman yells, "What the hell have I told you about posting stuff like this, are you crazy"! "Your gonna get yourself killed"! She replies, "I have this new boyfriend in Tenessee, and I want to meet him"! He says, OMG you are insane!!!!!! Roman says, "ALL I CAN SAY, IF AFTER HE SEES THIS PHOTO, AND STILL WANTS TO MEET YOU, I WOULD BE VERY AFRAID, VERY AFRAID"! She still lived at home with Mom and Dad of course! Anyway he resized the photo and says, OMG HIS EMAIL IS HOGLOVER! I hope that means the Motorcycles! "

Good lord, basically, you feel kinda lucky to be a married guy, you know????

Gary Edward Rith is a househusband, full-time studio potter and sculptor and part-time instructor at the Cornell University Pot Shop. Confessions of a Kept Man appears every Monday and Thursday, and Gary's answer column "He Says: ask a guy, by Gary" appears every Wednesday. Gary blogs a whole lot of pottery and other baloney at his blog
http://garysthirdpotteryblog.blogspot.com/