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Wednesday, June 23, 2010
GARY: advice columnist and guru for the gals...
He Says: ask a guy by Gary
Add your opinons and new questions in the comments section, and next week Gary will answer some of those questions.
DISCLAIMER: Gary is an unlicensed and untrained advice columnist and a smart azz to boot. You have been warned :)
My wife gets QUESTION number one, and why not? I am nothing without her, a SLUG ON THE SIDEWALK.
The missus asks:
"Is it big enough for you???".
Seriously, she DID. She said that would be her question. She happened to be writing down a couple of notes in my filofax for me as we drove down to play pool and drink beers last night. And Dear God I love that woman, she said that was her question, and she went on to say "my handwriting, is it big enough for you? You never wear your glasses and you canNOT see a thing". Phhbbt. I think she wasted her question.
My buddy Kasey in Iowa writes a question for REAL:
What to do with everyone and their concerns over the state of my uterus. I will be getting married in a few months and without realizing it, apparently everyone was worried that I would never get married. I didn't know that everyone was so worried about such a thing. I mean, I wasn't even worried. Now it's happening and facebook is telling me that I need to go on a bridal diet, people are telling me that I should be ashamed that I haven't looked at any bridal magazines, but the BIG PROBLEM is that I'm afraid the baby flood gates are about to burst. I see some cracks in the dam.
I've already gotten a few "hints" by hints I mean my future mother in law pointing to a desk in her basement and telling me it's waiting for grandkids. If I post a picture of my future husband holding a baby I get comments like, "good practice for him?" and things of that nature. I don't want people wondering when or if I'm going to allow my husbands seed to make its way to my eggs. It's really none of their business. How do I tell them it's none of their business without sounding like a total a##hole? I mean, I really don't have a big problem coming off as an azz, but I'd rather not be rude to my future in-laws. Thank you in advance for any guidance. "
Whoa. OK, Kasey, gosh, as a childless dude I have BEEN THERE AND DONE THAT with the old aunties and others wondering where the babies are.
Quick and easy, smart azz response: "OH, but Aunt Sophie, I am already expecting triplets, didn't Scott tell you???" OR
"I'd rather take up smoking than have kids" or even
"We are planning on raising Weimeraners instead"
I don't know why a wedding invitation is an invitation for people to ask about your sex life. GOD! In our case, as it turned out, we were unable to have kids, and the same question haunted us for years. 4 years ago we were buying a house with the help of an awesome realtor whom we adored. As we handed over the monster check, got the keys and said our happy goodbyes, the realtor asked if we planned to settle down and have kids (we had been married already about 15 years) and I said, in shock, not having heard that question in awhile
"But, my wife is almost 50!!!!" and the realtor's reply was
"oh, but they can do amazing things with fertility procedures these days!".
I am not embarrassed we cannot have kids. We tell people "we make art instead" or "we have dogs and cats instead" or even "we tried and nothing ever happened".
Now that we both have a lot of grey up top, we don't get that question much anymore.
OK, but back to you. You want people to shut up and leave you alone. If you don't like them and don't feel you need to be polite, then say "I don't ask you about your sex life or what you do in the toilet, do I?". To be more diplomatic, work on a pat response, because you will get this question all the time. if you are religious or feel like putting up a smoke screen, fake them out with " we'll see if God gives us a baby" and smile angelically or simply and honestly "we'll see, right now there are a lot of things on our plate, and we have not had time to think of a family" or "heck, we been practicin' day and night, you'd think we have at least a dozen kids so far..."
Gary Edward Rith is a househusband, full-time studio potter and sculptor and part-time instructor at the Cornell University Pot Shop. Confessions of a Kept Man appears every Tuesday and Thursday, and Gary's answer column "He Says: ask a guy, by Gary" appears every Wednesday. Gary blogs a whole lot of pottery and other baloney at his blog
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