I debated whether I wanted to write this or not.
Am I being whiny, wimpy, weak by sharing this or does it help me work out what is going on?
I am finding that talking it out helps a person calm down. And its my blog. About me and what I am doing. This is no plea for sympathy, just laying it out there....
Everybody has health issues of one kind or another. We are human, destined to fall apart and die one day. Just look at your old car: the worn out parts, the rust, that is us.
But still. If you told me "colonoscopy with a side dish of root canal" I wouldn't be too concerned, but my nightmare scenario is "going blind" or "surgery on your eyes". SURGERY and EYES together makes me pretty damn anxious.
I mentioned here a few years ago the eye doctor had found that I was in the early stages of glaucoma. It has progressed, gotten worse, it has not responded to medication. The medication dose was doubled: absolutely no effect. I had a checkup yesterday thinking things must be under control, but the doctor wanted me to book surgery right away. I explained my reluctance to SURGERY ON MY EYES, saying I prefer at this stage to see what other medication options we could try. So, he is trying another medication, doubling its dose, and if that doesn't work, he would double that, but if that doesn't work, it would be surgery. (glaucoma has no cure, medication and surgery attempt to slow the progress and damage)
I tell myself that the only thing worse than not having surgery is the vision loss and blindness that glaucoma brings. That gets my attention. And before the knives come out, there is a low-impact laser option they can try. I just hate the idea of anybody poking sh!t at my eye, I mean hell, one slip of the surgeon's finger and SQUOOSH! there goes an eye.... such is my anxiety.
The upside of surgery is a break from medicine for a few years. It is strong stuff. It has been changing the color of my eyes from hazel to dark brown. It gave me long eyelashes. And a glaucoma side effect is night blindness and light sensitivity, and I think surgery can ease that.
Anyway. I am lucky in a number of ways: in America very few people go blind with glaucoma these days. I have access to excellent treatment. And thanks to research, treatment options get better every decade, and as the doctor said cheerfully "you havn't lost much vision yet". Because nothing is more precious to me than sight....
(mugs by Gary Rith)