Monday, October 3, 2011
UNmentionables and YOU
SO, once again, the wife is talking with her pal Zee, and the subject of UNMENTIONABLES comes up. Unmentionables is usually, well, undies or lingerie, right? Or like Maya Angelou's grandmother would say, as she and her brother headed out to the washtub in the yard for a bath "wash as far as possible, then wash possible".
But when you think about it, unmentionables could be anything, like politics, religion, family, your spouse's new leather boot fetish, ahem, etc etc etc.
What is your unmentionable story? When I think unmentionable I think "SEWAGE. I do NOT want to talk about sewage." So here is my sewage story.
Back when we lived in the woods of New Hampshire, we had a stretch, as you do, of weather below zero for a few weeks. When we flushed we didn't get no satisfaction! We had a septic tank out there somewhere, and a pipe leading from the house out to it, and, well, you know, what should only go OUT of the house wanted to COME BACK IN. We suspected freezing down the line somewhere, and the plumber came out. Friendly guy, but old and creaky. He was like "where is your septic tank?" and I waved vaguely at the side yard, covered with, no joke, 3 feet of snow. He was like "well, I have to get into the top, you need to find the opening. I'll be back after lunch" AND so, I started with the snow shovel, clearing an area about 8 X 10 feet of the snow, looking for approximate and unmarked spot where I KNEW THE TOP OF THE SEPTIC TANK WAS. The ground was frozen, and therefore, clearing the snow had been the easiest part of the job.
I used a pick of some kind, to hack through the first layers of ice and dirt, then started shoveling. Luckily, i did not have to shovel the whole 8 X 10 foot area, just about 6 X 10...and after 2 hours, I found the concrete top of the tank, and the plumber came back. I was more tired than in my whole life, 2-3 hours hard labor in my snowy yard, but that is not the unmentionable part of this story.
The plumber pops the lid open in 2 seconds, which is as it should be, then SLIPS ON THE ICE and his whole left leg, and nearly the rest of him, falls into my septic tank. Par for the course for a plumber, eh? I mean, why else would they charge 90 bucks or more an hour? They flippin' earn it....
ANYWAY, so the plumber gets himself and foot and all out of my septic tank--seemingly unconcerned about where half his body had just been and what was on his boots-- and he is peering around in there "oh, we didn't need to get into the top of the tank, I got something else I can try that should work" and I am gaping down into the hole, looking at what was, well, it had been mine, but I had given it up. I did not want to see it ever again, what was in my septic tank, I had said goodbye and good riddance long ago....
ANYWAY, in slow motion, just like his foot and leg slipping on the ice and falling into my demonic septic tank, I watch from several feet away as my shovel decides to...slowly...slowly but gathering speed, slide down the ice and into the gaping top of my septic tank, splashing into it with a loud and noisy PLOP.
The plumber looks at me, and says "you want your shovel back? I could probably fish it out if you have a rake" and I am like "NO NO! No problem!!!!!! Forget the shovel!" and the plumber replaces the top of my demonic septic tank and from under the house uses high power water to melt and dislodge ice in the outflow pipe, EASY and done in five minutes (why didn't he try that FIRST???) and I used ...my OTHER shovel...and filled back over the top of my septic tank, but put a large marker on top...just in case.....
PLEASE: tell us your very fascinating UNmentionables story down in comments!
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