people think I am nice, but I am NOT*

(pottery by Gary Rith)
*I could be worse though
This morning at breakfast, the wife reminds me, in a slightly sarcastic tone, "that was a nice way you were calling me to bed last night" and I am like, searching the brain.
Good thing I took notes last night, as I am an experienced blogger, and experienced bloggers always take notes on these little gems they can share with the internets later. I was just asking her for details, and she is like "you aren't blogging last night are you?" and I said "no, at this moment I am loading pictures" which was true at that moment. My notes, in this case, don't make much sense, but I think it went like this:

I am buried under the covers with my favorite beagle, and it is getting latelatelater, well maybe not all that late, and the wife, who works outside the house, unlike me who farts around the house all day, is at the computer, probably shopping for shoes (this is where men and women differ: what is the deal with SHOES???).
Anyway, I call out
"sweetie, I know you have been busy all day working outside the home to earn crunchies for our dogs and cats, but you know, it would be great if you joined us in bed, because we are falling asleep"
and she is like
"well, I am coming, but first I have to call blah blah, then I have to fill out this form blahblahblah and then I have to choose an outfit and floss blahblahbalbbityblab"
and I reply, and this shows I am not a nice person
"sweetie, all you're doing is shopping for shoes online and I am falling asleep" and I can tell she is mad, never tell a woman that she is probably shopping for shoes, when she actually might be shopping for tops or accessories and boom, there she is at the bedside looking steamed

"every night I want to come to bed and read but you're already asleep! I have to choose an outfit now" and I, being the doltish caveman that I am make my situation worse
"but sweetie" I say, hiding behind my teddy bear "why choose an outfit in the evening if you're just going to try on and reject 5 in the morning anyway????" and
now she is REALLY steamed because I am SUCH a NOT nice person
(men--never talk about women and shoe shopping or trying on clothes, just hum a few bars and fake it)
"I DO NOT"
and I am like, with a snide look on my tired little face "well, OK, 4 out of 5 mornings you do" and now the wife is REALLY mad at me because I am terribly un-nice, and she informs me
"WRONG. Now I am going to go floss" and since I am already the biggest jerk on earth and in trouble already, I cannot help but yell towards the bathroom
"I can hear you floss!!!! KERCHUNK KERCHUNK KERCHUNK!!!!"